Review: Pink Flamingos

Pink Flamingos: Directed in 1972 by John Waters, this film was a huge hit on the midnight movie circuit of the 1970s. The film concerns a transvestite mother named Divine who lives in a rundown trailer park outside of Baltimore, with her son Crackers and her mother Eddy "The Egg Lady," who lives in a child's playpen and eats raw eggs.

Divine's family call themselves "The Filthiest People Alive." Watching "Pink Flamingos" is like viewing an episode of "The Osbournes" on MTV. No matter what dysfunctional problems your family may have, "The Filthiest People Alive" have it much, much worse. This is a recurring theme in many of Waters' films, such as "Female Trouble," "Polyester" and "Serial Mom."
(Originally published in the Standard-Examiner)

-- Steve Stones

Review: Beast of Yucca Flats

The Beast of Yucca Flats 1961, 54 minutes, B&W. Anthony Cardoza, Executive Producer, written and directed by Coleman Francis. Starring Tor Johnson as Dr. Joseph Javorsky. Cast includes Francis, Larry Aten, Bing Stafford and Conrad Brooks. Schlock-meter rating, 3 stars out of 10.

Few films are as inept as The Beast of Yucca Flats. After watching it, I'm convinced that a talented group of ninth graders with a few thousand dollars and a long weekend could do a better job than Tor Johnson, Coleman Francis and company. The plot? A woman is murdered. A defecting Russian scientist (Tor Johnson) is attacked in a desolate part of Nevada by communist agents. An atom bomb explodes. Tor is turned into a mutant beast who wants only to kill. Tor kills, then chases a hapless family through the Yucca Flats. Finally, two inept cops kill Tor.

Be forewarned: The preceding plot summary is far more exciting than this dog of a film. There is virtually no action, and when Tor is on the chase, his big, aging blubbery body inspires far more pity than fear. Francis shot the film without dialog, which was dubbed badly into the finished film. The viewer rarely sees lips move when actors speak. Also, the self-pretentious Francis adds ridiculous, over-the-top narration, spoken like a man on LSD. My favorite meaningless phrase is "Flag on the Moon."

It merits three stars only because The Beast is Tor Johnson, whose always fun to watch bellow. Those who dare watch it should see the MST3K version. At least there's a few laughs. (Doug Gibson speaking: I must admit, adding to this a few years later after originally writing the review, the film has grown on me. It is bad, but unique and strangely watchable; a real cult film. I give it an extra star!)

Notes: Ed Wood actor Conrad Brooks has a small role; Cult figure Titus Moody helped with production; Coleman Francis directed three films spoofed by MST3K: Beast, Skydivers, and Red Zone Cuba; Francis' wife and sons were in the film. The non-MST3K version has a very brief nude scene. "Beast of Yucca Flats" is essentially a silent film, with narration and brief dialog, obviously recorded since you don't see the speaking actors' faces. The entire film can be seen on YouTube.

-- Doug Gibson

Review: The Human Duplicators

The Human Duplicators, 1965, 80 minutes, color, directed by Hugo Grimaldi. Starring George Nader as Glenn Martin, Richard Kiel as Dr. Kolos, Dolores Faith as Lisa, Barbara Nichols as Gale Wilson, Hugh Beaumont as Austin Welles. Schlock-Meter rating: 7 stars out of 10.

“The Human Duplicators” is an absolutely funny movie. It boasts horrible, funny special effects, an Outer-Space android villain (Kiel) who speaks like a surfer valley boy in California, a blind “girl” who is clearly an adult (Faith), and the worst performance ever by a female secret agent (Nichols).

The plot: Kiel is sent from another planet to take over from an earth scientist the creation of android duplicates of humans. He takes over the scientist’s house and laboratory and turns everyone into androids, except the blind “girl,” who he develops a crush on. Two government secret agents (Nader and Nichols) are called in when one of the androids crashes a secret government agency (which looks a lot like a motel) and creates havoc. The androids appear to be made of porcelain, since they crack into pieces when they stumble.

Eventually, Kiel turns traitor to his cause, battles the androids he has created and saves the day. In a scene meant to bring tears, he returns home to be destroyed, (or perhaps receive a new voice accent). There is one cool scene where secret agent Nader escapes from a dungeon and has to battle his android, himself.

A real treat: Late in the movie, during an action sequence, a cameraman filming from the outside can clearly be seen. As mentioned, Nichols, who also plays Nader’s girlfriend, is pathetic. This high-level government agent boasts a terrible New York accent that Fran Drescher would spurn. Also, her giggling cutie-pie persona and annoying nasal whine makes her more suitable for burlesque than the CIA.

However, this is one of those truly “so-bad-it’s entertaining” cult fiascoes and is worth a rental. The MS3K version adds to the hilarity. Notes: “Leave It to Beavers” Hugh Beaumont has a small role as a government agents and 60s actress Margot Teele, who often played “sexpots” in The Andy Griffith Show and Gomer Pyle USMC, has a small role as a lab assistant/android. Faith starred in another Grimaldi film, "Mutiny in Outer Space."

-- Doug Gibson

Review: Billy the Kid versus Dracula

Billy the Kid versus Dracula

Billy the Kid versus Dracula, directed by William Beaudine, Circle Films, 1961. Starring John Carradine as Count Dracula, Chuck Courtney as Billy the Kid, Melinda Plowman as Betty Bentley. Others in cast include Harry Carey, Jr., Roy Barcroft, and Olive Carey. 1966, Color, 73 minutes. Schlock-meter rating: 6 stars out of 10.

I have a soft spot for this movie, which puts me at odds with just about every other film critic. Okay, I know that the plot is feeble, the acting poor, the special effects a joke. And it's a fraud to vampire lore, since Carradine spends a lot of his time out in broad daylight.

Nevertheless, it's a fun little film if not taken seriously and the offbeat plot (Hero Billy the Kid matching wits with Dracula) is unique enough to merit a few stars. The plot: Dracula (on vacation?) is in the Old West. He provokes Indians into killing everyone on a stagecoach, then assumes the identity of a rich Eastern banker whose niece (who Dracula has the hots for) is about to marry a reformed Billy the Kid. THAT IS a bizarre plot -- even Ed Wood may not have come up with something that unique.

This is definitely not Carradine at his best; in fact he seems many times to just walk through his role (he considered it his worst film), but the old vampire master has a few good scenes, and manages to be quite sinister at times. Billy The Kid versus Dracula was made with Jesse James meets Frankenstein's Daughter (not quite as good). Both were directed by Beaudine and played primarily Saturday kiddie matinees together. The film can be seen occasionally late at night on TCM.

-- Doug Gibson

Review of Flash Gordon

Flash Gordon, 1980

Originally published in the Standard-Examiner newspaper.

If ever there was a "guilty pleasure" that makes me "feel good," it is the 1980 film "Flash Gordon," starring Sam Jones in the title role. As a boy, I saw this film in theaters at least six times. When my parents got cable television in 1981, I watched it at least three times on HBO in one day.

Based on Alex Raymond's popular comic strip of the 1930s, Flash Gordon rockets to the planet Mongo with Dale Arden and Professor Hans Zarkov to save the Earth from the evil clutches of Ming the Merciless, played by Max von Sydow.

I find this film appealing because Sam Jones in the role of Flash seems a bit naive, and the lava-lamp-cheesy special effects add to the campy flavor of the film. If you don't take it too seriously, "Flash Gordon" is a delightful film to watch at 3 a.m. in the morning. Keep watching the skies!!!

-- Steve Stones

Review of Two Thousand Maniacs

TWO THOUSAND MANIACS

(This review was originally published in The Standard-Examiner newspaper)

"Two Thousand Maniacs." Directed in 1964 by "The Godfather of Gore," Herschell Gordon Lewis, who gave us such cult favorites as "Blood Feast," "Color Me Blood Red" and "The Gruesome Twosome." This film is appealing to me because it is a reworking of "Brigadoon," and has a charming "backwoods," hillbilly flavor to it that is very fun to watch.

A small ghost town in St. Cloud, Fla., comes to life to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Civil War. The town diverts a carload of Northern tourists to the town to include them in a series of gruesome festivities, such as a man placed in a rolling barrel spiked with nails, a woman tied down to a bull's-eye target with a giant boulder hanging above her, and a young man tied to two horses that pull his body in two directions.

The musical performances add to the Southern hillbilly tone of the film. The film also inspired cult director John Waters' 1970 film "Multiple Maniacs," and is said to have inspired the name of the pop-rock band 10,000 Maniacs.

-- Steve Stones

Review of Eegah

Eegah

Eegah, 1962, 90 minutes, directed by Nicholas Merriwether (Arch Hall Sr.) Starring William Watters (Arch Hall Sr.), Arch Hall Jr., Marilyn Manning, Richard Kiel, Ray Dennis Steckler. Color. Schlock-Meter rating: ******* out of 10 stars.

Eegah is a rotten movie. Let’s make that clear right away. So why does it merit 7 stars. Because it’s so much fun to watch (and laugh at). The plot involves a prehistoric ageless giant (Richard Kiel, who later gained fame as “Jaws” of the James Bond films) who invades Palm Springs. This giant has the hots for Roxie, a pretty, adult woman (Marilyn Manning) who “acts” in the movie as a teen queen. Her boyfriend is an ugly 16-year-old kid named Tommy (Arch Hall Jr.) who sings with no talent. Hovering around is Roxie’s dad (Arch Hall Sr.) and some talentless extras.

The acting is worse than anything Ed Wood ever did. The direction is pathetic. You feel pity for the ugly Arch Hall Jr., who as star is being asked to carry a film. He fails. There’s no sparks between this ugly runt and his supposed girlfriend, and that’s not surprising since she must be five years old than him. Marilyn Manning also can’t act. When the caveman “Eegah” has her trapped in a cave with rape on his mind, a smile never leaves her face and she cracks tasteless jokes. One can understand her interest in the 7-foot-plus Kiel, since he’s a far better catch than Tommy.

In the end, when Eegah invades Palm Springs, grunting and bellowing for his Roxie, he attracts less attention than a middle class matron window shopping in Beverly Hills. Extras smirk as Eegah “chases” them through old motels and dingy restaurants. Eventually, a cop, bored with the whole act, shoots Eegah at a pool party, killing him.

Yet, Eegah is worth a rental, and the MST3K version is a scream. It’s so bad it’s funny, and viewers find themselves drawn into the movie, waiting for the next scene of bad dialogue, inept acting, poor singing, horrible special effects and mediocre editing. In fact, this film grossed over a million dollars in the 1960s and was a big hit on the drive-in circuit, according to Arch Hall Sr.

--Doug Gibson

Review of Monster a Go Go

Monster a Go Go

Monster a Go Go, 1965, starring Phil Morton and Harry Hite. Directed by Sheldon Seymour (Herschell Gordon Lewis. Film originally started by Bill Rebane. Around 80 minutes long. Film garners a * on the 10-star Schlock-Meter.

In Monster a Go Go, a once normal size spaceman emerges from his capsule. He s now 10 feet tall and deranged to boot. He apparently kills several people and generally wrecks havoc. The authorities close in on him. Just as he s about to be captured, the monster seems to vanish. A narrator solemnly explains that none of this ever happened. All is well.

Yes, Monster a Go Go is as bad a movie as the synopsis indicates. It's unwatchable except in its Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, and even then it's a tough sell. There is virtually no plot to speak of. We are taken to fields, sleazy clubs, boring living rooms, etc. We listen to a dull narrator and even duller characters talk on and on. According to some web surfers at the Internet Movie Data Base, a human ringing voice is used to dub in the ringing of a phone in a scene from Monster a Go Go. I don t remember this exact scene from my viewing, but I was so bored that it's quite likely I let that bit of comedy pass by unnoticed.

More interesting than Monster a Go Go's inane plot and execution is the story of the film itself. It's an example of the type of film released by some exploitation filmmakers. There's no effort to make a coherent story; they just want the film in the can. Then, they can make a great movie poster and drive suckers into theaters, get their cash and leave most disappointed. Directors Al Adamson and Ted V. Mikels did it to perfection in the 60s and 70s, although in fairness, a few of their films clicked.

Anyway, a guy named Bill Rebane started this film, but soon gave up. Cult film director Herschell Gordon Lewis (Blood Feast, Two Thousand Maniacs) bought up the unfinished movie, I presume added a few scenes and tacked on the title Monster a Go Go to try and cash in on the '60s youth movement. Except even Lewis couldn't put his name on this turkey. He used the pseudonym Sheldon Seymour. Avoid it like the plague.

-- Doug Gibson

The Unearthly

The Unearthly
The Unearthly, 1957, Director: Brooke L. Peters; Cast includes John Carradine, Tor Johnson, Allison Hayes, Myron Healey; About 75 minutes in most prints. *******1/2 out of 10 stars on the Schlock-Meter

The Unearthly boasts Ed Wood’s giant Tor Johnson among its cast, which automatically bumps it up a star or two on the Schlock-Meter. The tale is pretty standard fare for 1950s sci-fi/horror filmdom; Mad scientist John Carradine uses unsuspecting patients to try and graft on a “17th gland,” which the “good” doctor hopes will create eternal life. The problem is, all of the previous human guinea pigs he’s tried the gland procedure on have turned up mentally impaired and deformed. They exist -- a pretty motley bunch -- in the basement.

Pretty Allison Hayes is Carradine’s next intended victim, but she’s saved by Myron Healey, who plays an undercover cop who infiltrates Carradine’s sanitarium pretending to be a killer on the lam. Don’t you love these convoluted plots. Anyway, it’s up to Healey to save the day, since the patients of Carradine are too dense to realize that their ranks are shrinking rapidly.

Surprisingly, Carradine makes a pretty effective bad guy in this low-budget offer. He’s more subtle, resisting the urge to revert to his usual “over-the-top” overacting. The few times Carradine raises his voice in anger, his sinister side is effectively revealed. Tor Johnson, as Carradine’s hulking helper, is actually allowed a few lines of garbled dialogue. There are a few shots of Allison Hayes in a low cut nightgown, which must have a excited quite a few movie-going boys just entering puberty in 1957.

Some of the more glaring inconsistencies include: The sanitarium appears to be located in a secluded, out-of-the-way site, but it only takes the police a couple of minutes to arrive when called; none of the “patients” of Carradine’s doctor appear too concerned that Tor Johnson’s grotesque “Lobo” is on the staff; also, it’s amusing to see characters feign the effects of being shot in the stomach without any blood or bullet holes showing up.

The Unearthly is definitely worth a rental, if just to see one of the few films Tor Johnson made.

-- Doug Gibson

Night of the Ghouls

Night of the Ghouls, 1958, B&W, about 68 minutes. Directed by Edward D. Wood, Jr. Starring Kenne Duncan as Dr. Acula. Valda Hansen as the White Ghost, Tor Johnson as Lobo, Duke Moore, Paul Marco, and Criswell. (Also known as Revenge of the Dead) Schlock-Meter rating 7 stars out of 10.

Night of the Ghouls is a lot of fun. It features a bizarre plot, weird characters, ridiculous special effects and actors who -- like all Wood films -- take the convoluted plot very seriously. Narrated by Criswell (in a coffin, of course) It involved a fake medium (Duncan) and his girlfriend (Hansen) who have inhabited the old mansion that Bela Lugosi's mad scientist lived in in Bride of the Monster. The hulkish Lobo (Johnson) is still hanging around as well.

As with any Wood film, plot holes are a mile wide, so it's best to just sit back , don't think much, and enjoy the chaos onscreen. Two cops from Plan 9 From Outer Space, Moore and Marco (who was also in Bride), eventually team to stop the scam artists. It's not very scary stuff, but it's a pleasure to watch if you're a Wood fan, particularly since it's the only horror film Duncan ever made for Wood and the only Wood film the teenage ingenue Hansen starred in.

As with all Wood films, the director was thrifty and used anything he could to add to plot and save cash. Here's an example: Wood used scenes from his completed short, Final Curtain (starring Moore) and inserted it in the middle of Night of the Ghouls. The only problem was Moore is wearing a tuxedo in the Final Curtain clip. No problem for Wood, of course! He just has cop Moore, early in Night of the Ghouls, all dressed up in a tux, ready to leave the station house and go to the theater! Of course, Moore is asked to work overtime and visit Dr. Acula, so he takes right off, still wearing his tux! Sometimes you just have to admire Ed Wood's ingenuity ... or his just plain gall!

---Doug Gibson